Growing old is a scary
thought. Because, with age, our idiosyncrasies tend to concentrate and govern
and dominate our lives. Our lives would start revolving around timely food
intake, our bowel movements early in the morning or our need to compulsively gulp
down sweet dishes when no one is looking. These are just personal idiosyncrasies Habits and compulsions to which we hold on, as these
ritualistic behaviours help us build a feeling of security and safety and a
feeling of some form of control over our dangerously loose and unpredictable
personal environments.
We start our lifetime as
infants, helpless and largely at the mercy of the forces around us. With rudimentarily
developed sensory organs and very limited capacity to navigate the often
complex and confusing rules of the world. We, the luckier of us, would have our
caretakers guiding us, nurturing us, showing us the ways of the world and often
protecting us from harsh, cruel and dangerous elements. The ones that are not
so lucky, are exposed to these harsh elements and left to fend for themselves
and learn very difficult lessons.
Slowly, we strengthen our physical
condition, we start growing physically and mentally, developing our extra
sensory faculties – developing mechanisms of responding to different life
situations, besides creating new ones of our own. We’re a little more aware of
the rules of the world by now. From here on, we’re on an ascent. We’re still
climbing, growing, developing, becoming stronger, smarter, more aware. Things look
good now. The helplessness of your childhood days don’t linger with you as
much, as you see yourself (often forced by circumstances or other external
pressures) make decisions and take control of your life; and others around you taking
notice of your new-found authority. You realise that at this point of time, you’re
solely responsible for the things that you’re capable of influencing and
changing in your life. That is a lot of power. It can be a heady feeling that
might create a lot of fear in some. Fear of that kind of responsibility and the
need to bear up to the consequences of your actions. And sometimes, the actions
of others.
As we reach the peak phase of
our lives, we’re supposedly burdened with the maximum amount of
responsibilities. We’re often carrying the “weight of the world” on our
shoulders, but it wouldn’t seem that way to us, because in our heads, we’re
still “young” and have enough to live, a lot more to experience. We reach that
plateau where we’re functioning at the best of our capacity. Thriving. Reveling
perhaps. And nurturing those that need to be nurtured. This can be a good time.
Even the setbacks that we face in this phase of our lives, we could have the
strength to survive them and get back on our feet to try again.
And then starts the slow
decline. You feel age catching up with you. Your body doesn’t feel as strong as
it used to be. You could do a lot more and still be fine, however, now you may
be struggling with the things that used to be a commonplace activity or
effortless at one point of time. Your metabolism slows down, you can’t digest
all types of food and eat as much as you want without facing the terrible
consequences. You feel giddy and tired sooner, you get slower, the creaks and
pains start, you start regressing to the helplessness that was a part of your
childhood, once again. The second childhood? Again, if you’re lucky enough or
if you’ve been prescient enough, you would’ve planned for this phase of your
life and you’ll have adequate care takers to guide you through life at this
phase. The not so lucky ones or the unprepared ones, would face a fate similar
to the unlucky ones that go through difficult first childhoods. These would be
times when our compulsive obsessions, that might have peeked their heads
fleetingly during transient moments of weakness in our “strongest” years, would
be in full bloom.
This is a very simplistic
account of the unfoldment of life. A lot of our “ idiosyncrasies” or compulsions
are also inherited – through observation, genetically and continual exposure to
similar environments that make us adapt such security inducing practices. We see
our parents grow old. We can feel ourselves growing up, shoulder
responsibilities that our parents used to take care of at one point of time. We
see their body giving in, behavioural changes induced by limitations imposed by
health and the beginnings of the now very obvious idiosyncrasies that could be
easily ignored. “She never used to be like this before…”, “He was always calm
during emergency situations…” we think to ourselves. We can see them struggle
with climbing the stairs. We see that they need more efforts to lift a suitcase
that used to be a piece of cake at one point of time. We reach out, for the
suitcase in their hands, we slow down the pace of our walk to match theirs, we
start shouldering responsibilities that were once exclusively their domain.
When we can see the process of
aging in our own parents, we can’t help but wonder what sort of idiosyncrasies we might be creating for ourselves in the future. How might we be when we grow
old? How much would we grate on the nerves of those around us? Would we be
difficult and adamant or helpless and fearful of all that is happening to us? My
mother and I were sitting in the car, when I had this realisation that when I grow
old, I think I’ll be obsessively compulsive about keeping my environment around
me in order. I know people my age that already suffer from such a condition –
though unacknowledged to themselves, whereas the world around them is very well
aware of it. So, maybe, our obsessive compulsions may not necessarily be age
related, but may have something to do with our states of mind? We would resort
to such ritualistic activities when we feel helpless and this strong need to
control our environment as much as possible? All of these inheritances of ours
may be our cumulative, subconscious, and repressed fears, unresolved anger,
unacknowledged emotional trauma, because we have to be strong, we need to be
someone’s pillar of support, somebody’s backbone, the very centre upon whom someone
depends.
At what cost do we build our façade
of strength? At what price, do we grow up too quickly and start shouldering
responsibilities? For how long would we keep things pushed under the carpet,
patiently wait through the rattle of the skeletons in the closet, before
resuming regular routine? Until they grow into the Hydra’s heads – forever multiplying,
generating and perpetuating - that needs to be exposed to the light of rational
exploration, acknowledgement and resolution. One Herculean task that would be.
There are also those that
choose to live with their inheritances. A constant companion in their tumultuous
or waning lives (depending on their perspective). But it certainly would be a
crutch. They have learned to accept that crutch in the most positive manner
possible – after all their perspective of the crutch is something that they can control. They may look upon them
affectionately and with a certain reverence. The home, the security that they
can carry with them, wherever they go. They would even have the capacity to
gently explain to others around them, as to their need for such crutches. Their
inheritance. Something that they have learned, gained, nurtured, used and
preserved through the lessons of life.
